WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?
by LilStripedTomato
Summary: It's an exiting new Cheesy Game Show hosted by Merry where the contestants , you guessed it, find out what's in Gimli's beard! Last chapter now up! What happened to Gandalf? Please review!
1. Meet the players, Boromir's excited!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! This is a little story about what the fellowship do when Gimli is sleeping. Of course, they make a cheesy game show of finding things in his beard, what else? It has much randomness, and makes no sense, but that's okay! It has commercials, a Wheel of Hair, the not often seen sport of Beard Diving, game show-loving Boromir, the overly used phrase 'cheesy game show', alliteration, and much more, plus a surprise ending! The story is finished, and the sequel/ending thingy , which I am working on writing now,has 1 chapter posted! Yay!Please review, and be nice! A free big chocolate chip cookie to all who review, yay! Anywhoo, on with the story! _

_Disclaimer: I own no characters, animals, or objects from this show, except for things obviously created by my insane mind. Don't sue, all I have is a half empty jar of chunky peanut butter and an angry kitten sitting on my desk!

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**WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?**  
A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 1

Cheesy Game Show music plays as the camera zooms in on our fellowship, who are in a field. Merry is dressed in a Cheesy Game Show Host suit that is lime green with purple plaid stripes. The rest of the gang are sitting at a Cheesy Game Show set with pink chairs. There are Cheesy Game Show podiums in front of each of them with their names written on them. The only exception is Gimli, who's sleeping, (and snoring quite loudly!) on a Cheesy Game Show stage with curtains behind him. The whole scene is covered in bright sparkling lights.

Merry smiles at the camera like a Cheesy Game Show Host ,(which he is) and then turns to the audience, which is made up of orcs, ents, elves, men, and various unknown creatures. "Hello, there!", he yells to them in a Cheesy Game Show Host voice, "I'm your host, Merry Brandybuck. Are you all ready to play our favorite game?" The audience cheers. "All right! It's time for…" "WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?!!!", the audience yells in unison. "That's right!", he says, "And now let's meet our contestants, shall we?"

He walks up to the first person and says, "Hello there, sir! Would you mind introducing yourself to our viewers?" The man looks into the camera and smiles. "Hi, I'm Aragorn, son of Arathorn, also known as Strider, also known as Elendil, also known as the Dunedain, also known a-" He is cut off by our favorite Cheesy Game Show Host saying, "Okay, that's enough now. Let's meet our next player, while we're still young."

"Hi there, Pip! Uh, I mean, would you mind introducing yourself, unknown contestant person?" Pippin smiles and the audience goes "Aww!" "Hi, Merry!", he says, "My name's Pippin and I'm ready to play! It's so exciting!" "That's great, Pippin!", says Merry.

"Now, sir, uh, I think you're a sir? What's your name?", he asks. "Our names is Smeagol, precious, and we loves your show, Mr. Brandythingy! But we wonders why does we has to sit next to the fat hobbit, precious?", Smeagol says, looking at Sam, who is seated on his right. "He hates us!", he wails, pointing a finger at the aforementioned hobbit. The audience goes "Aww!" again.

"Hey!", protests Sam, "He's just tryin' to get sympathy from the audience!" "And it's working!", observes Merry. "Now, would you care to tell us your name?" Sam looks at him and says, "But you already know my name." "Yes, Sam," agrees Merry the Host, "But they don't!" He gestures to the audience and camera. "Oh, right," says Sam. "My name is Sam Gam- hey, wait a minute, they know my name!" "No they don't!", says Merry. "Yes they do.", argues Sam, "It's written right here on the nametag in front of my podium!" He then points to the nametag, and Merry sees he is, indeed, correct.

"Oh," says Merry, "So it is. Well then I guess that means that we can skip the rest of the introductions, eh? For those of you that are too far away to read the cards, that's Frodo Baggins, Legolas Greenleaf, Gandalf the Grey, and Boromir, son of Denethor." He points to each one in turn and they wave to the camera, Boromir perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. "Hi, Mom!", he yells to the camera, waving so hard he almost topples out of his seat, "Hi, Dad! Hi, Faramir! Hi, Steve! Hi, Anna! Hi, Martha! Hi J-" He too is cut off by our Cheesy Game Show Host. "Alright, Boromir, why don't you just say hi to everybody so we can play the game already?", Merry asks. "Okay! Hi everybody!", he says, excitedly bouncing in his seat, and coming close to knocking the very annoyed Gandalf off of his chair.

"Great! That was helpful and informative, wasn't it?", Game Show Host Merry asks. "Now let's give a big round of applause for our lovely, if rather strange contestants, eh?" The crowd cheers and claps loudly. "Now," says Merry, "We have to go to a commercial break, but when we come back, get ready to play…" "WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?!!!", shouts the audience. Merry smiles his Cheesy Game Host grin and waves at the camera as it goes to a commercial.

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_Another Author's Note: Hi there again! Lil here again! Enjoy this cheesy commercial while I type up the next chapter. There will be cheesy commercials in between each chapter, so deal with it! I like them, and I hope that you find them amusing as well as cheesy. Anywho, enjoy! _

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A Cheesy Commercial

The camera brings a hand held sewing machine into view. A Cheesy Announcer Voice comes on saying, "Is repeatedly getting shot in the chest with flaming arrows depressing you because you can't fix the holes in your shirt? Are you sick of getting stabbed in the back because it ruins all of your best tunics? Never fear! With the handy-dandy Super Stitch 800, you can fix that tear in minutes! Now you don't have to wait to get home if you rip your tights. Save yourself the embarrassment of riding to war with your derriere in plain view, just use the Super Stitch 800 and fix them in no time! Lost your arm in battle? No problem! It's so easy to use that you can do it with just one hand! No more wasting your money on new clothes after every fight, just make five easy payments of $17.95 and you can repair your favorite vests and jackets instantly!

"It's handy when you're out conquering enemy armies and don't have time to find a seamstress! You'd never intimidate your adversaries if you rode into combat with shabby suits, you need the Super Stitch 800! Injured in a fight and left with a gaping flesh wound? We can fix that! Just use the Super Stitch 800 to stitch the gap closed, no medic needed! Recently been decapitated? Yup, we can fix that too! Just use our product to sew your head back on to your neck! It's so versatile! You just call 1-555-SEW-EASY and make five easy payments of $17.95! We'll even deliver your order to you with no extra charge! Please have your Elfin Express or Mordor Cards ready when you call. The Super Stitch 800 sponsors the Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?!!! Now, the first twenty callers to order will receive three free hairs of Galadriel with their order! Caution, do not eat! May cause indigestion!"

The Cheesy Announcer voice stops and the camera fades back to our favorite Cheesy Game Show set, where Merry is getting ready to go over the rules, and we see what the contestants guess they will find in the bushy beard that is Gimli's!


	2. What could be in there, I wonder?

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Well, the second chapter is up, hope you enjoy it!I am rather busy with work, classes, and writing the sequel, so posting may be rather slow. Also, I have to go buy a tofurkey tomorrow, and some sweet potatoes. Happy Thanksgiving to all Americans, yay us! Please review, and be nice! I accept all constructive criticism, and reviews make me smile! Thanks to ilovedogs, who reviewed the last chapter! A cookie for you, hooray! And to find out what IS in Gimli's beard, you'll just have to wait and see what they find! Anywoo, on with the story!_

_Disclaimer: I still own no characters, all I own is the Cheesy Game Show set and the Wheel of Hair. So sad. I should get more.

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**WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD!  
**A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 2

The camera focuses back in on Merry, who is again smiling his Cheesy Game Show Host smile, because, let's face it, he's a Cheesy Game Show Host! "Hello again!", he greets us, "And welcome back? Did you enjoy the lovely commercial?" He walks over to the row of players and says, "Now let's go over the rules of the game for those of you who have never seen it before! First, the contestants write down what they think will be found in the beard today, then they each take turns pulling things out! Whoever has guessed the most items correctly is the winner! Now, let's get started!"

He walks over to Aragorn and says, "During the break I asked our players to write down the three things that they think will be found in Gimli's beard today. Let's start with you, Aragorn, and then move on down the line, shall we? What did you put down, Aragorn?" The man holds up his card and smiles, "Well, Merry, I chose three obvious things. I think we will find my toilet brush, a green sock that belongs to Legolas, and your shaving razor!" "Oh, good guesses!", said Merry the Host, "I do hope we find my razor, I haven't been able to shave for days!" Indeed we now notice that our host's face is rather stubbly and he has started to strongly resemble that handsome fellow, Charlie, from the TV show 'Lost'.

"Now let's see what our next contestant said, what did you guess, Pippin?", he inquires. Pippin smiles again, and the audience goes "Aww!" again. He shows his card and says, "I have done some clever deductive work and, according to my theories, we should find an elderly cheese sandwich, a rubber duck, and a Norwegian arctic snow flamingo!"

"Ookay," Merry says, "Let's move on now. How about you, Smeagol?" Smeagol holds up his card proudly and we see various scribbles and marks, but nothing legible. "We thinks the dwarf has lots of things in it's beardses, precious! We thinks it hides our pet trout, George! We also guesses that there is being a pairs of sunglasses, and our loincloth, precious!" After he says this, we notice for the first time that he is wearing a barrel around his body, held up by shoulder straps. "We hopes it is in there, precious! We is not finding it nowhere else, and we is starting to get splinters where splinters should not be getting to!"

"Well, we certainly hope you find that soon!", says Game Show Host Merry, "Now on to Sam. What did you put down, Sam?" "Fat hobbit probably puts down nothing and says we is stealing everything, precious!", Smeagol says sadly, making the audience go "Aww!" again. "Oh, for cryin' out loud!", complains Sam, "He's doin' it again! I didn't accuse him of nothing'!" "Alright, Sam, let's just hear what you think we'll find in Gimli's beard today.", Merry says to him, "Don't worry about what the other players say." "Okay," agrees Sam, "The three things I picked are a sack of taters, a pocket watch, and a half empty can of whipped cream." "You and your stupid nasty taters!", yells Smeagol to him, "Stupid fat hobbit!" "Mr. Merry, he's bein' mean to me again!", Sam says. Now the audience goes "Aww!" to Sam and he looks smugly at the angry creature next to him, getting a hiss in reply.

"No fighting, please!", reminds Game Show Host Merry, "It's time for Frodo's answers." "Well, Merry, to be honest I have no clue what could be lurking in there!", Frodo exclaims, "I made some random guesses and think that we will find a chicken, Pippin's lost teddy bear, and the severed head of an orc!" "Hey!", says Pippin, "I forgot about Mr. Shnookums! Do you really think we'll find him in there, Merry?" "No one knows!", replies Merry the Host.

"Now it's Legolas's turn to guess. Legolas, what do you think could be hidden in there?" "Well," says the elf, "Since Aragorn already guessed my green sock, I had to change an answer. My theory is that we'll find a goat, a banjo, and some arrows from the many times I tried to shoot Gimli in his sleep but they were absorbed by the hair." The others look at him strangely and he realizes his mistake. "Uh, did I say try to kill? I, um, meant when I was practicing archery and they accidentally, um, flew towards his chest. Yeah! That's it!" "Ookay!", says Merry, "I think someone has some issues! Let's move on to our next contestant, shall we?"

He hurries to get away from the psychotic elf and goes over to Gandalf. "Okay, Gandalf, it's your turn. What did you write?" The wizard holds up his card and answers, "You know, I think I dropped my staff near his head one day, it might've fallen in! I really need that back! Also I believe there will be cookies and a cup of tea."

"Great!", says Merry, "And now it's time for Boromir, our last contestant. What do you think is in Gimli's beard?" "I think we will find a baseball glove that I borrowed from my brother, a Superman action figure, and my left boot!", the man of Gondor replies, "I really hope I find my boot, I stepped on a sharp rock this morning and it really hurt!" "Aww!" goes the audience again.

"Well, now," says Cheesy Game Show Host Merry, "We've got all of our guesses, but we won't find out what's in the horrendous hair until later on in our show. Now, we have to go to another commercial, but stay tuned! There's loads of fun! Coming up next is the Wheel of Hair!" He smiles his Cheesy Game Show Host Smile yet again as the camera fades out.

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**Another Cheesy Commercial**

This time the commercial shows a pink building. Standing outside of it is none other than Lady Arwen. She smiles at the camera and says, "Hello there. I'm Arwen Evenstar. Are you ugly? Really ugly? No, I mean really, really ugly? Are you so homely that the sight of you makes babies cry and old men die of fright? Not to worry, there is help for you! Come visit me at Arwen's House of Beauty! Here, we can pluck, tuck, push, pull, stretch, squeeze, curl, twirl, polish, paint, pulverize, and powder your hideous form so that you can look gorgeous! It's mostly pain free, and the results are great! Just look at me! I was never ugly, but if I was, I'd come to see me so that I could look like I do!

"There's no case too difficult, no face too deformed! You look like a donkey's backside? No problem! You've been run over by a carriage? That's okay, too! You look like Gimli? Well, we'll do our best. By the way, we sponsor the Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?!!! Come on down to Arwen's House of Beauty, we can make you pretty, or at least decent looking. We can even help dwarf women be able to be distinguished from the dwarf men, believe it or not! Just come and see us at 123 Rivendell Road! You don't even need an appointment! So stop by and let me let you look like me!"

The camera fades from her cheesy smile and returns to Merry's cheesy smile on the set of our favorite Cheesy Game Show set, as our host is preparing the contestants to spin the mysterious Wheel of Hair! How exciting!


	3. Come on! Big hair! Big hair!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! I tried to update sooner, but my computer had a bug or something. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving and no one was injured shopping the day after, those women can be scary! I have my pirate songfics up now, yay! Go read them, they'll make you laugh, or at least smile! They're called_ When You're A Professional Pirate... _and_ Cabin Fever! _As always, please review, and be nice. Thanks to any and all of you who have read and reviewed any of my stories, you make me smile! Happy Holidays!_

_Disclaimer: I own a piece of chocolate cake that my roommate made today, and possibly a pair of socks with frogs on them, if they didn't get lost in the dryer again. You cannot have either. Don't sue, please! I'll give you the Wheel of Hair if you want! After the show, of course!

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**WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?  
**A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 3

"Welcome back to our show!", says Cheesy Game Show Host Merry enthusiastically! "YAY!!!" cheers the audience. "Now it is time to determine who will be the first to venture into the overgrown forest that is known as Gimli's beard! And how do we do that?", he asks. "WHEEL OF HAIR!!!" the audience screams. "That's right!", says Merry. He now starts to call the contestants up one by one to stand next to a big Cheesy Game Show wheel that was orange and had suddenly materialized out of nowhere. Instead of numbers, this wheel had pictures of different hairstyles around it. "Now our players get to spin the exciting Wheel of Hair, and whoever gets it to stop with the arrow pointing to the biggest hairdo gets to go into the beard first!", he explains. "Doesn't that sound like fun?", he asks. "YAY!!!" cheers the audience again.

"Alright, Aragorn, come on down! You get to spin first because we're going in alphabetical order.", Merry the Host tells the man. He walks over to the wheel and gives it a mighty spin, but to his dismay it lands on Crewcut. "Oh, that's too bad!", Merry tells him, "Next up is-" "Wait a minute!", Aragorn interrupts, "I demand a do-over!" "Sorry, you can't have one.", says Merry, "It wouldn't be fair, I'd have to give one to everyone else, too." "But I'm the one true King!", he protests. Merry counters with, "Yes, but I am the King of Cheesy Game Show Hosts! Take that, Bob Barker! Now, Aragorn, if you don't go sit down I will have to disqualify you right now!" The ranger takes his seat, but still looks angry.

"Okay," Merry says, "We'll continue now with Boromir! Come on down, Boromir!" The man runs excitedly up to the wheel and spins it, jumping up and down and yelling, "Come on, Rapunzel! Big hair! Big hair!" The wheel clicks to a stop with the arrow pointing to Afro. "YAY!!!" the audience cheers. The Gondorian man gives a triumphant yell and jumps up shouting, "HAHAHAHAHA! I beat you, ranger! Take that, kingy-boy! I win, you lose! You're nothing but a-" "Boromir, okay, that's enough!", Game Show Host Merry tells him, "That was great, but there are still six more contestants left to spin it. Don't go getting ahead of yourself. Haha, ahead of yourself, get it? Ahead? It's the Wheel of Hair?" Pippin and a few of the slower audience members laugh at his sad excuse for a joke, but that's it.

"Ahem, moving on," Merry says, "Frodo, you're next! Come on down and give it a spin!" The hobbit spins the wheel hard, but alas, he ends up with Shiny Bald Head. The audience went "Aww!" "Hey!", protests Aragorn, "How come nobody went 'Aww!' to me when I did bad?" "Because they don't like you!", Merry points out cheerfully. The other contestants nod in agreement.

"Next up is Gandalf!", our favorite Cheesy Game Show host announces, "Come on down, Gandalf! Let's see what you can do!" The old wizard steps up and spins with all of his might, but he is old and it does not move very far. It lands about four spaces from Frodo's space, on a Bowl Cut. "If only I had my staff!", he mutters as he returns to his seat.

"Alright, it's Legolas's turn now, come on down, Legolas!", says Merry. He spins the wheel and turns to Merry. "You know," he says, "I really don't think I want to know what's in there. I'm almost afraid of it!" "Then why did you want to come onto the show, then?", Host Merry asks him. "Because," whispers the elf, "Just between you and me, I'm being blackmailed!" The Wheel of Hair stops on another Shiny Bald Head, and he sighs with relief! "Aww!" says the audience, angering Aragorn again. "At least I don't have to go first!", Legolas says happily.

"Pippin, it's your turn!", Cheesy Game Show Host Merry says, "Come on down and spin the wheel!" The youngest contestant steps timidly up to the large wheel and spins. Not wanting to see how badly he does, he covers his eyes with his hands. The Wheel of Hair clicks to a stop and, instead of going 'Aww!', he is surprised to hear the audience cheering ecstatically and clapping loudly! Pippin peeks through his fingers and is overjoyed to see that he landed on Rapunzel, the biggest of all hair! "YAY!!!", he yells, jumping up excitedly and reminding us strongly of Boromir, who is cheering for the tiny hobbit right now. "Congratulations, Pip!", says Merry, "That means that you'll get to go get things out of the beard first!"

"Our next spinner is Sam! Come on down and give it a try, Sam!", Merry the Host says. Sam spins the wheel and is preparing himself to be last, but it stops with the arrow pointing to Dredlocks. The crowd cheers "YAY!!!" He didn't do too bad! "Great job, Sam!", says Merry. He returns to his seat smiling.

"Last, but not least is Smeagol", Host Merry says, "Smeagol, come on down!" The creature called Smeagol slides and slinks up to the giant wheel and tries to spin it very hard. It spins around a few times and ends up landing on a Mohawk. He dances happily and cheers as he returns to his seat because he didn't wind up getting a Shiny Bald Head like Frodo and that stupid mean elf!

"Well now, wasn't that entertaining?", Game Show Host Merry asks. The audience cheers and all of the players except for Aragorn nod in agreement. Merry continues, "Now we have to have a short commercial break, but we'll be right back with Pippin getting ready to be the first to see…" "WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD!!!" the audience yells. The camera fades this time from poor Pippin's look of uncertainty.

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**Yup, you guessed it! Another Cheesy Commercial!**

This time the camera zooms in on a silver-haired elf dressed in sparkly purple spandex. Frightening, eh? Upbeat 80's dance music plays in the background. The elf smiles cheesily and we realize it is Haldir of Lothlorien! He looks at the camera and starts doing a cross between Tae-Bo and disco dancing. He asks us, "Do you like to dance? Do you need to exercise? Are you fat, slobby, and at risk of getting killed during the next raid on your village because you're too slow to run away? I can teach you to be as fit as a fiddle in five easy workouts! All you need to do is buy my exercise videos! I've got Sweatin' with Disco, Groovin' with Techno, Shakin' with Hair Metal, and many more! Plus, my good friend Richard Simmons even joins me in a few workouts to teach you how to get in shape and exercise your body and mind! You can do it! It's easy! Just buy my videos!

"You don't even have to really do the exercises, just send me some money and that's it! You're a fat tub of lard, so if I cheat you out of your cash, you'll be too lazy or too busy eating to hunt me down, and if you do find me, you'll be too slow to catch me! In fact, you won't get angry because you'll believe anything I say because you're stupid, too! So call now at 1-555-HALDIR2 and order my great workout videos today because they will make you thin and smart and pretty and talented like me! We also sponsor a great Cheesy Game Show called WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD? But you shouldn't watch it because you need to order my cool videos and watch them all the time and nothing else! So call now!"

A very business-like and professional sounding voice that sounds suspiciously like the author now says very fast, "Warning! This commercial may or may not contain subliminal or unsubliminal messages causing the uncontrollable urge to by this stupid product. Also, Haldir may lie. A lot. But buy his videos anyway just so you can watch him dance!"

The camera now, thankfully, leaves behind the scary spandex-clad guard of the Golden Woods and returns to the set of our favorite Cheesy Game Show, where Pippin is preparing to plunge into the unknown perils of Gimli's beard!


	4. Pippin's perilous plunge!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Hope you guys like the new chapter! And I hope you like the commercial, it was the first one I wrote and by far my favorite. As always, please brighten up my sad little rainy (and it is raining quite hard, too!) day by clicking the little gray button down on the left and leaving me a review! I don't care if you say 'hey, your story's stupid' or 'grow up and buy a tie' or something. I just like getting them, especially nice ones. Actually I only get nice ones, how thoughtful! I want to thank Jennifer G and Blue Autumn Sky for their lovely reviews, and I hope to get more. Anywho, read and enjoy, but first the annoying disclaimer thingy. _

_Disclaimer: I own a bowl of macaroni and cheese and a spoon. You can't have it because I'm hungry and I've already licked the spoon to avoid any theft you may be considering. I own nothing here except the Kibbleshnitzel and the giant rubber band. Now on with the story! Oh yeah, and if you haven't already done so, please go read my Pirates Of the Carribean musical numbers, they'll make you laugh! Thanks to all who reviewed those as well!

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**WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?  
**A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 4

"Hi there!", says Merry, "And welcome back to our show! We're getting Pippin ready to go into the dangerous depths of Gimli's forest of facial hair! He won the Wheel of Hair round, so he's the lucky one to go in first!" "Wait!", says poor Pippin, "You mean I have to go INTO the beard?! I thought I just had to reach in and pull stuff out!" "Now where would the fun in that be?", Host Merry asks. "Lets go over the rules now, alright? You will get five chances to jump in and pull whatever you grab onto out, but you'll be blindfolded so you can't cheat and pull out only what you guessed. As each thing is removed from the beard, we check the players' lists to see if anything matches!" At this a Cheesy Game Show scoreboard appears out of thin air with all of the contestants' answers written next to a picture of their heads.

"Now come on, Pip, let's get you suited up!", the host says. A Cheesy Game Show assistant materializes on the stage and walks over to the two hobbits, handing them everything Pippin needs to prepare for his perilous plunge. "Okay, Pip, put on this football helmet. Yes, and this gas mask. Now this life vest. And these swimming flippers. Don't forget the rubber gloves! And a lemon! Good job! Now let's get you up onto the platform so we can put the blindfold on!"

"Platform?", the diver asks, barely intelligible from inside the mask, and indeed a Cheesy Game Show platform has appeared about ten feet above the still snoozing dwarf. It had a diving board on the end, presumably where Pippin needs to plunge from. The cousins climb the ladder, Pippin with some difficulty due to the flippers.

"Now we just put on the blindfold.", Merry says, and does so, "And attach this giant rubber band to your feet so that you'll bounce back up! Are you ready?" The poor player nods nervously, and with some trepidation, walks to the end of the board. He closes his eyes and jumps! Down he falls, and just when you think he's going to splat against Gimli's chest, he disappears into the enormous hair!

A few seconds later the rubber band pulls him back up onto the platform. In his hands he holds a strange object that is large and sparkly. "That's Elrond's chandelier from his dining room!", says Game Show Host Merry, "I'm sorry but no one had that on that on their list." He takes the lighting fixture from his cousin and tosses it over his shoulder. It lands with a crash onto the stage. "Oops!", he says, "Oh well. Try again, Pippin."

He jumps in and comes up this time with a cute little live goat! "Aww!" the audience says. "Great job, Pippin! You probably saved this little guy's life!", Merry tells him. "Yay!", says Pippin. "Maaa!", says the goat gratefully, and licks his rescuer on the cheek. "Now then," says Merry looking at the scoreboard, "Legolas guessed that we would find a goat, so he gets a point!" "YAY!!!" goes the audience. 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard, and a little check mark pops up next to the word 'goat' by Legolas's picture. "Okay, little fella, down you go!", Merry the Host tells the little goat, and gently drops him down onto a large pillow that had randomly appeared on the stage.

"Keep goin', Pippin!", Merry says. The tiny hobbit dives in and comes up carrying a tiny sparkly thing this time, too small to be a chandelier. It turns out to be Aragorn's hypnotically shiny necklace that Arwen gave him. "So that's where I dropped it!", the ranger exclaims. "No one gets a point this time, I'm afraid.", says Cheesy Game Show Host Merry.

Pippin jumps into the scary hair a fourth time and bounces back up. In his hand is a strange object. Upon further examination it turns out to be a half-eaten baseball glove. Strange. "Boromir supposed that we would bring up a baseball glove," says Merry the Host, "so he gets a point!" "YAY!!!" goes the audience, and 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard. The overly excited man jumps up out of his seat and cheers, doing a victory dance and yelling to Aragorn, "Oh, yeah! I have a point! I see no point on your list, Ranger! Perhaps that is because you are stupid and aren't going to win! Hahahaha!" "Boromir, calm down!", Merry tells him, "And please take your seat, Pippin still has one more turn." Boromir takes his seat, but still shoots smug looks at Aragorn.

"Alright, this is your last turn.", Merry tells Pippin, "So go ahead and jump!" The youngest contestant takes his final dive off the platform and bounces back up. In his hand is a box full of Mopar Action magazines. "Good job, Pippin, but that wasn't on anyone's list.", says Merry the Host. "Hey!", says the author, appearing out of nowhere and running onto the stage, "Those are mine! I let my dad borrow them and they somehow magically disappeared in his house! He claims that he gave them back, but he didn't! Can I have them back please?" Merry tosses the box to her, and she runs away happily, muttering something about her precious little Neons and Vipers.

"Okay, that was random!", says Merry. "What a nut!", whispers Pippin, "Did you see her, she looked like a raving lunatic! Honestly, they let people like her write fiction?" "Quiet, Pip!", orders the host, "She might hear you!" Indeed she did, and is angered. Revenge is upon Pippin like chocolate frosting on a spoon! He is now standing there wearing nothing but a tutu, a sparkly tiara, and some oven mitts. There is makeup all over his face that looks like a three-year-old scribbled all over him with markers. In fact, that's what it was. And he has no other clothes, so he gets to look like this all through the show, yay!

"Well, that was unexpected!", Merry says, "Let's get a round of applause for Pippin! He did a great job, didn't he folks?" The audience cheers and Pippin, despite his embarrassment at his snazzy new ensemble, smiles as he takes his seat. "Okay," says Game Show Host Merry, "We have to go break for another commercial, but don't go away! Next Boromir sees what he can find in Gimli's beard!" The camera fades from the sounds of cheering and the look on Boromir's extremely excited grin.

**

* * *

**

The Cheesy Commercials Just Keep On Comin'!

The camera now shows a large can with a rather ugly warg on the label. Yet another Cheesy Announcer's Voice, this one female and sounding suspiciously like Carol Channing, asks, "Do you love your warg? If you do, you want him to have the very best! Feed him new liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel! It's so good, he'll think he's actually getting real liver pulled straight from a festering battlefield cadaver's innards! Our Kibbleshnitzel has twelve essential vitamins and minerals, just what your little growing warg needs to become big and strong so he can join an evil empire army that will bring all of Middle-Earth into a fiery reign of an evil eye that will cover the world in darkness! Mmm-mmm! Yummy!

"Wargs won't know it's not real liver! And now our Kibbleshnitzel is available in a special diet formula, for those overweight wargs! It has the same great liver taste of the original kind, with only half the calories! Kibbleshnitzel is a proud sponsor of the Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?!!! Feed your little angel new liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel and he'll love you so much, he won't roast your flaming carcass on a stick and feed your slimy brains to wild pelicans, we promise! Buy your special warg some Kibbleshnitzel today!"

Now the same business-like and professional voice from last time comes back to say very fast, "WARNING! Kibbleshnitzel and any other related products may not actually prevent wargs from roasting your flaming carcass on a stick and feeding your slimy brains to wild pelicans! But buy Kibbleshnitzel anyway!"

The commercial ends and the camera goes back to our favorite Cheesy Game Show set, where Boromir is beginning to get ready for his search through the scary, smelly hair that holds many strange and wonderful things!


	5. Boromir likes beard diving! Go Boromir!

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy it! And I ask you all to please review, I don't get many of them. That's sad! I'd like just one, it's not asking much, is it? Oh, and if you like Starsky and Hutch, go read my new songfic,_ Beep! Beep!_ and one that is a parody of a parody, _Junky LTD!_ They are funny! I think they are, anyway. So, on with the story! Oh, and no fish were harmed in the making of this chapter! We'll say George was swapped with a Swedish fish candy at the last second!_

_Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing and no one associated with the Lord of the Rings. That's sad. If you would like to protest this, and help me to own them, please send me donations to help buy them! I promise I'll share with you! Oh, and the commercial was the idea of my niece, Jordan. She's very creative! _

* * *

**WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?**

A Cheesy Game Show Hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 5

The camera comes back into focus on Boromir as he is putting on the protective gear. "Welcome back! We're getting Boromir ready to venture into the beard now! Are you ready?", Game Show Host Merry asks him and the man nods and gives an enthusiastic thumbs up. "Great! Let's get up on the platform!" They climb up to the top of the ladder. Merry then attaches the giant rubber band to Boromir's feet and blindfolds him. The host leads the contestant to the edge and tells him, "Okay, you know what to do! You get five turns!" Boromir nods and Merry claps him on the back, saying, "Good luck!"

The Gondorian man walks to the end of the diving board, and to everyone's surprise, does a very impressive and graceful Swan Dive off the edge! He returns from the long locks of the slumbering dwarf with something small clutched in his hand. He hands it to the host, and upon further examination, it is found to be a picture of Eowyn in a bikini! "Hey!", says Aragorn, "I've been looking for that! I thought Faramir took it!" Eomer, who is in the audience, jumps up and yells, "What? What do you think you're doing with a picture of my sister in a bikini? I'm gonna kill you, you stupid piece of-" Thankfully Merry cuts him off soon enough to keep this story's G rating!

"Hey now!", Host Merry says, "Eomer, I'm going to ask that all audience members please refrain from killing any contestants before the show is over, as it may change the outcome of the winner." The man sits down dejectedly and Aragorn, who was cowering behind his podium, now smiles triumphantly. "But," adds the host, "That doesn't mean you can't kill him after the show's done!" Now it is Eomer's turn to smile, quite evilly, and Aragorn goes back to cowering. Merry takes a look at the picture before pretending to throw it down on to the stage, but discreetly slipping it into his pocket instead, sneaky little devil!

Cheesy Game Show Host Merry says, "Alright, Boromir, you may continue!", and the man dives back in, with as much flare and finesse as the first time. He returns this time with a moldy, half-eaten cheese sandwich, that had probably came from the author's fridge which she had recently cleaned out. "Great!", says Merry the Host, "I believe Pippin predicted this one, let's look at the board!" 'Ping' goes the scoreboard, as a check mark appears next to Pippin's guess. "YAY!!!" goes the audience.

Boromir dives in a third time, with much turning and spinning, and comes out with a gigantic laundry basket full of lost socks in various colors and patterns. "So that's where all the lost dryer socks disappear to!", Frodo comments. "Indeed.", agrees Pippin, "I thought the monster who lives under your bed always eats them. I was way off!"

There are no points awarded, sadly, and the man goes back in, with a dive that looks like a corkscrew, impressive. Boromir brings up this time a bowl of creamy tomato soup. It looks yummy, but several people display disgust at the food. "Yuck!", says Host Merry, "No one guessed that, so no one gets any points this time either." The bowl of soup joins the rest of the things in a growing pile on top of the stage, aside from the goat.

Boromir's last and most impressive dive, with lots of flips and twist and fancy arm movements, is also more productive that the last two. When the man comes back up onto the platform, he is carefully holding a fish bowl with a rather ugly green fish swimming in it. "George!", Smeagol yells, and runs up to the stage, "We was so worried about you, precious!" Merry gently drops the bowl down for the creature to catch. It is a happy moment as fish and owner are reunited. "Aww!", says the audience. 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard.

"That's right!", remembers Game Show Host Merry, "Smeagol gets a point because he predicted that we would find George today!" "YAY!!!" says the audience. "We is so happy to be finding you, George!", Smeagol tells the fish, "We misseded our little fishie so much!" He then, to everyone's horror, proceeds to pull George out of his bowl and pop the poor fish into his mouth! Screams sound from audience members and contestants alike!

"Smeagol!", yells Merry, "How could you do that to your pet? That's awful!" "No, not awful," Smeagol argues, "Though he could've used a bit of lemon, precious." Boromir then hands the creature his lemon, sharing is nice. "Why did you eat George? He was your fish!", Merry cries. "Yes.", agrees the thing, "He was our fishes and we is hungry. So we eats him! Is eatsing what we guesses against the rules, precious?" "No, you still have your point, Smeagol," Host Merry tells him, "But that was very wrong! No more eating things that are alive!" "So we is supposed to kill them first?", inquires Smeagol innocently.

"No!", yells the host, "Okay, new rule! Do not eat anything that comes out of the beard!" The creature looks at the stage and says, "So we can't eats what comes out of stinky dwarfses beard?" "Exactly!", confirms Merry the Host. "So can we eat that?", asks Smeagol, pointing, "It was already out of the beard before stupid Cheesy Game Show Host makeses the new stupid rule!" "NOOOOOOO!", Pippin cries, running in front of the goat to which Smeagol was referring, "Just don't eat anything!" "But we is hungry, precious!", poor Smeagol says, "Starving!"

"We have to go now," says Merry, "So I can find this thing something to eat, before he eats the poor kidd. Enjoy this commercial and we'll be back soon! But first, let's hear a round of applause for Boromir!" The sickened audience claps weakly, realizing that if Boromir had not brought out the fish in the first place, the poor thing wouldn't have had such a horrible fate. He seems not to notice their hesitation to clap, and stands up, shaking his hands in the air like he was getting a standing ovation. The camera leaves now, fading from the cute scene of Pippin protecting the little goat from the ravenous Smeagol, and we go to the commercial.

* * *

**The Next Cheesy Commercial, Oh Joy!**

Our camera is now showing a creepy looking and dark building with a creepy looking Saruman standing in front of it. "Hello there!", he says cheerfully, "Are you lonely? Do you need someone to talk to, but all other manners of living creatures find you horrid and repulsive? Not to worry, we can make you the perfect companion! Just stop by one of our Build-An-Orc Workshops! We can help you find the right pieces you need to make a new best friend! We have several different styles of orcs to choose from, and you can add different body parts and accessories to customize your orc! You can make him, or her, however you- wait a minute! Are there any female orcs? Oh, well. If not, you can put a dress on a male orc and call it a girl! You can do whatever you want to it!

Imagination is important here at Build-An-Orc Workshop, so we have many different costumes, wigs, weapons, and much, much more! Here we have everything you need to make your very own special friend! You'll never have to worry about offending him and driving him off like everyone else, he's an orc! He finds nothing disgusting, and you can treat him just like you treat the other people who are repelled by you or your smell! Speaking of disgusting and smelly things, Build-An-Orc Workshops are proud sponsors of the exciting new Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?!!! Come on down to a Build-An-Orc Workshop near you! We now have twelve convenient locations!"

Saruman's scary smile gleams, and the camera thankfully changes from his creepy workshop to our favorite Cheesy Game Show set, where it's Sam's turn to try and brave the horrific hair! We hope that Samwise the Stouthearted is brave enough to battle the unruly wilderness of the tangley beard of Gimli!


	6. Aerial assaultin' piggies?

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Since I got 2 reviews today for this story, I am happy to post the next chapter! Thanks to Ami-Lilli for cheerfully reviewing Chapter 4 and the Grammar Nazi for your great review of the last chapter! You guysmade me smile! You're right, why doesn't this story have more reviews? REVIEW, PEOPLE, OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF...THE CURSE OF CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE!!! Muahahaha! Oh yeah, that's the title of my new Starsky and Hutch story, go read it, it's funny! I already got a review for it, yay! And go read my other 2 S&H stories too! Anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter, as it is the next to last in the story. But fear not! The sequel is almost finished, and the first chapter of that will be posted after the last chapter of this. If you think this is funny, wait 'til you read the next one! It's hilarious, and extremely random! Now on with the story! And please review!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing but a fruitcake which my roommate will not eat, a carton of eggnog that he tries to get me to drink, and some happy Scooby-Doo wrapping paper that I think is cute. Oh, and thanks to my little brother Josh for helping me think of some of the piggies. Enjoy!_

* * *

**WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?**

A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 6

The camera now returns to our favorite Cheesy Game Show set, where Sam is putting on his safety wear. Smeagol is no longer trying to eat random things. He now sits happily at his seat, munching on some unhealthy-looking brown goo from a familiar can with an ugly warg on the label. Goaty is now sitting by Pippin and looking cute, no longer scared of being consumed by the scary creature. "Mmm!", says Smeagol, "The Cheesy Announcer Voice is right! New liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel is yummy!" "Yes.", says Merry, "Unfortunately, it doesn't help your halitosis!" He waves his hand in front of his nose as Smeagol looks at him questioningly. "What's haliwhatsits, precious?" "Never mind.", says the host, "Let's move on, shall we?"

"Okay, Sam, let's get you ready to go into the beard!", he says to the frightened hobbit. Merry climbs the ladder, with Sam nervously following behind him. "Alright, now for the blindfold, and the giant rubber band, there! You're all ready now!", Host Merry tells Sam, "Good luck!" Poor Sam is so scared, all he can do is stand there! He is too afraid to jump, so Merry decides to help him out with a little push! The hobbit goes flying off of the board faster than you can say 'liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel' five times! It is a tense moment as we wait for him to resurface. When he bounces back up he is holding a pretty blue spatula. "Hey, whadda ya know?", says Merry, "This is the spatula that Sam has been looking for! It disappeared a couple of weeks ago, last time we let Gimli do the dishes! Well, no points, but a good find, Sam!" The spatula is added to the pile of findings on the stage.

The hesitant hobbit goes to the edge of the diving board and takes a little hop, falling into the beard once more. This time he comes back up with a blond wig that looks suspiciously like Galadriel's hair. "Interesting, I thought he only got three of those!", Game Show Host Merry says, "Oh, well. Maybe he likes to play dress up!" Everyone looks at the sleeping beard strangely now, some things are best left unknown!

"No points for that one, either. Go on back in, Sam.", he says. Sam is not so afraid this time, and does a cannonball into the hair! He lands on the platform with a shoe in his hand. Not just any shoe, this is the left boot of a man from Gondor! "YAY!!!", says Boromir, limping up to claim the found footwear and put it back on, "Now I don't have to step on rocks and Aragorn with my bare foot anymore!" "You also get a point!", reminds Merry the Host, "You said we'd find your boot!" "YAY!!!" says the audience. 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard. "YAY!!!", says Boromir, "Take that, Aragorn! I now have my lost boot _and_ two points! You have nothing except death threats from Eomer! Hahahahaha! Not feeling so kingy now, are you? Just because you-" "Calm down, man!", Merry stops his ramblings and gloatings, "It's just a point! Sit down so we can get on with the game already!" Boromir ceases his dance of joy and returns to his seat.

"You can go again now, Sam, the crazy man sat back down.", Merry says. Boromir does not hear this insult, as he is busy talking to himself about being the best Cheesy Game Show Contestant ever! Sam jumps back in and retrieves a rather chipped pink teacup with little white flowers on it, full of Earl Grey, Gandalf's favorite. "Oh, yeah!", Gandalf shouts, jumping up out of his chair and doing a scary dance that was more frightening than Boromir's. "Um, right.", says Merry to the wizard, "Yeah, a point for Gandalf. Congratulations. Yay. Okay, that's enough. You can stop any time now. STOP IT!!!" The elderly man finally desists his disco-mania imitation of John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever' and returns to his seat, still humming a happy tune. 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard. "YAY!!!" says the audience.

Merry tells the diver, "Alright, Sam, remember that this is your last turn. Go ahead." The cute little contestant goes in the horrendous hair one last time. This time, when he comes out, he has a strange black object. "Oh, I don't believe it!", says Cheesy Game Show Host Merry, "It's the author's long lost TV remote! It's been gone so long she thought her dog Pippin had eaten it! Amazing what you can find in this beard, eh?" He tosses it down to the stage where the author magically appears again just in time to catch it.

"Hey, thanks a bunch you guys!", she tells them, "I've been looking everywhere for this! Sorry I blamed you, Pippin!" Pippin the hobbit looks confused, and afraid of the author's magical powers, remembering the costume he is wearing, but Pippin the dog, who has magically appeared beside her, wags her tail and barks happily, then runs over to play with Goaty. "AWW!", says the audience. "If you find the batteries, give me a shout!", the author instructs the host. "Sure.", says Merry. The author leaves reluctantly, all of the hobbits and the goat are so darn cute! She wants to stay, and so does her puppy, but alas, she must return to her house to continue writing. Everyone says goodbye a second time, and the goat says "Maaaa!" to Pippin the dog.

"Super!", says Host Merry, "Now let's give a big round of applause for Sam!" The audience claps and Sam climbs down the ladder. He has taken off the gas mask, and we see he is blushing, Aww! "Great job, Sam! Now we're gonna leave for a short commercial break, but don't go away! When we get back it'll be Gandalf's turn to go into the gruesome and gross beard next!" The camera leaves his Cheesy Game Show Host smile and goes to the next, um, interesting commercial.

* * *

**Oh, Will The Cheesy Commercials Never End?**

A scary hobbit with a large cowboy hat and an equally large moustache appears on the screen now. Behind him is a large stable with many pigs. All of them have large yellow price tags hanging around their necks. "Yee Haw!", the hobbit screeches, "Howdy! I'm Muskrat Bob! This here is Muskrat Bob's Used Pig Lot! If ye'r lookin' fer good, reliable transportation and ye don't want a horsey 'cause ye'r too short t' ride one, then you've come to the right place! We got all kinds a piggies here at Muskrat Bob's! We got tall piggies, short piggies, mean piggies, nice piggies, smart piggies, not so smart piggies, slow piggies, fast piggies, brown piggies, white piggies, black piggies, green piggies, pinto piggies, racin' striped piggies, skinny piggies, fat piggies, pretty piggies, ugly piggies, nice-smellin' piggies, stinky piggies, visible piggies, invisible piggies, strong piggies, scrawny piggies, bearded piggies, bald piggies, vegetarian piggies, cannibalistic piggies, flyin' piggies, swimming' piggies, walkin' piggies, scaly piggies, fluffy piggies, feathery piggies, live piggies, stuffed piggies, brave piggies, paranoid piggies, sober piggies, drunken piggies, ground attackin' piggies, aerial assaultin' piggies, sane piggies, straight-jacketed piggies, heck, we got ev'ry kinda piggies there is! You bet yer bottom we do!

So if ye'r lookin' fer any kinda piggy, ye c'n find it here at Muskrat Bob's! If you can't find what ye'r lookin' fer here at Muskrat Bob's, that means we ain't got it here! Stop on by Muskrat Bob's Used Pig Lot today and see me, Muskrat Bob! We got everything a hobbit needs fer travelin' in style here, includin' our new convertible piggy! Come on down to our lot, located conveniently in Buckland! Just look fer the big billboard with my picture on it! Hot diggity dawg!"

The camera finally leaves the frightening and annoying hobbit's place of ownership, and returns to our favorite happy Cheesy Game Show set, where Gandalf is now getting geared up to go face the fearsome forest of facial fur!


	7. What happened to the old dude?

_Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate it (including me! I'm half and half.)! I hope you have enjoyed the story, and I am sad to say that this is the last chapter. But don't worry, there will be more! I also posted a new story, my first Walker, Texas Ranger fic! Go check it out, it's called_ All I Want For Christmas_ and it's short and cute! I hope you have enjoyed this Cheesy Game Show, if you have, please review! I wish to thank everyone who reviewed last time: wolfwoman357 (you get some fruitcake! yay! and Sierra can have some, too!), ejwgirl2 (yes, it does get better! and I'm glad you like it!), Nenloth Greenleaf (thanks to you and your little brother!), WildBlackWolf (:-P), Erulasse (maybe I _do_ need to advertise more! feel free to give me an ad in your local newspaper!), Mr. Random (I try! and if Gimli found out, he'd probably be all 'off with their heads'! lol, that's why they knocked him unconscious with a mallet first!) and thanks to all who reviewed before, or will review in the future! Hope you have a Happy Holiday if you celebrate one, and if you don't, then have a great Winter, it's my favorite season! Oh, and you'll never guess what I was watching this evening, yup! The fellowship! Yay! TNT doth rock!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from the Lord of The Rings. Maybe my mommy will put them in my stocking all wrapped up for Christmas! I really don't see that happening, so unless the real owners were really really nice and gave them to me_ -hint, hint!- _then I can't claim them! I do own a peanut butter sandwich, but you can't have it because I'm eating it! (in case you haven't noticed, I often eat while I type, lol!)_

* * *

**WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?**

A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 7 (the last chapter! Don't worry, there's a sequel!)

The camera zooms in on Gandalf, who is having trouble getting the flippers on. "Hurry up, Gandalf!", Merry whispers, "We haven't got all day!" The wizard's response, though muffled by the mask, sounds something like, "Dagnabbit! I'm not as young as I used to be! Young hooligan should learn to respect his elders!" Merry the Host is about to say something that is probably not very respectful, then notices the camera is back on. "Oh, welcome back!", he says, putting on his Cheesy Game Show Host smile, "Gandalf the Geezer, oops, I mean, Gandalf the Grey, is getting geared up to get on with his terrible trip into the toxic trap that is known as Gimli's beard! Are you ready, Gandalf?"

His response does not sound pleasant, and is surely not fit for our G rating, so it is a good thing it is unintelligible! "Great!", says Merry, "Get movin', up ya go!", and pushes the stubborn old-timer up the ladder. At the top he attaches the rubber band and ties the blindfold. The wizard does not want to jump into the hair, he would much rather stay up here and lecture this young whippersnapper of a host on manners, but a swift kick in the rear from our favorite aforementioned Cheesy Game Show Host remedies the situation!

Gandalf the Geezer topples off the diving board, his beard flapping in the air and his arms and legs flailing! He can be heard yelling indecipherable curses at Host Merry before being sucked into the still slumbering dwarf's beard. Moments later he is back onto the platform, very angry about being treated so rudely! In his hands he holds a pair of round blue John Lennon sunglasses that look suspiciously like the ones the author used to have, but her dog really _did_ eat those last summer. "Nice dive there, Gandalf!", Merry tells him, "And Smeagol gets another point for the glasses. That puts him into the lead with two points, tied with Boromir!" 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard. "YAY!!!" says the audience.

Smeagol jumps happily into the air and dances around, swinging the fishbowl around and sloshing water everywhere. "YAY!!! We is winning, George!", he says to the empty bowl, "We is winning! Wait! We forgots that we eated George!" He starts crying loudly! "Poor George!" "Aww, it's okay.", says Pippin, trying to comfort the poor creature by patting him on the back. "But we misses him!", he wails! "Then you SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN HIM!!!", scolds Host Merry angrily, which makes Smeagol start crying louder! "Hey!", says Pippin, "Don't be so mean to him, Merry! Have a heart, his pet just died!" "Well yeah!", points out Merry, "Because he ATE HIM!!!" Pippin seems not to get the point, and still tries to console Smeagol.

"Okay," says Merry uncaringly, "Let's get back to the game. Go on, Gandalf, dive in! Or do you need help this time, too?" The old man does not want to have his posterior abused anymore, so he jumps back in of his own free will. They all wait for him to come out. And they wait. And they wait. And then they wait some more! Finally, the host gets sick of just waiting. "Alright, Gandalf, you can come back up now!", Game Show Host Merry calls in the direction of the hair. There is no answer, and no Gandalf!

"Try pulling him up!", Legolas suggests, for once having a good idea! Merry grabs the giant rubber band and pulls hard, only to find it won't budge! He pulls harder, but it appears to be stuck! He gives a mighty tug and _SNAP, _the giant rubber band breaks in two! The lower portion is quickly falling into the hair! Aragorn nearly runs over the other contestants to get to the stage and dives for the rubber band, but it slips through his fingers and falls into the beard! "NOOOOOOOOOOO!", everyone cries!

"You know what that means!", Pippin says. "Yes.", agrees Merry the Host grimly, "Someone's gonna have to go in there after him!" "I will go to save Gandalf," offers Frodo stupidly, "Though I do not know the way." Everyone looks at him, but he doesn't notice. "But how will we choose who has to go in?", asks Sam. "WHEEL OF HAIR!!!", the audience shouts in unison! "Well, I suppose we don't have a choice!", says Game Show Host Merry, "The audience has decided, and someone has to save the old fogey! Now, who wants to spin first?"

The camera fades away to the final commercial of the story, but not before we hear Pippin ask, "Can I change one of my answers to _Gandalf_?" Fear not, we will return to our favorite Cheesy Game Show Set in the next story! Who will be chosen to brave the bushy beard? Will they find Gandalf? Just what is it like inside the ferocious facial fur? All of the answers to these questions and more lie in the sequel, **Adventures In Gimli's Beard!** So, until next time, please review! And enjoy this last commercial, done by my muse!

* * *

**One Last Cheesy Commercial, AndA Scary One, At That!**

Now the camera shows a rather evil-looking man with black hair in a ridiculous bright green snake costume, his head coming out between it's jaws! He does not look happy. We recognize him as the one and only… Professor Snape? Indeed, the Potions Master of Hogwarts has been tricked, I mean persuaded, into doing a commercial for our enjoyment!

He now begins to speak in a very bored and monotonous voice, and as we can see his eyes moving back and forth, he is very apparently and unconvincingly reading from a cue card. "Hello there. If you're hungry and need some good food, come on down to Salad-bar Slytherin's. We have the best vittles in- Wait a minute! What on earth is a vittle?" A voice, presumably the director, whispers something to him off camera, and he continues reading, "The best vittles in town. Oh, for the love of Pete, why don't they just say _food _so that everyone can understand?" The voice comes back, and he reads again, looking angrier, "Here at Salad-bar Slytherin's you can get yummy meals for everyone, and it's nutritious, too. Who in Middle-Earth wrote this? It's a piece of-" The off camera voice sounds angry now, and appears to be angering Snape as well.

Snape looks as if he would love to strangle the heck out of that person, if only his arms weren't pinned to his sides by the hilarious costume! He continues again, still being frequently chastised by the off-camera voice, "Fine, I'll read it! I don't know how I get myself into these messes! Our restaurant is fun for the whole family, and you don't even need a reservation. It's a really groovy and happening place. Groovy? What, are we back in the disco era? Should I go get my bell bottoms and platform shoes?" The angry voice comes back. "Oh, alright, I'll continue. Just stop on by, we even have drive through. Isn't that great? You won't find tastier food anywhere else. Haha, yeah, right! Have you people tasted this crap? It'll probably kill ya!" The voice is apparently threatening the poor professor now. "I mean, uh, it's great! Terrific! Delicious! Don't hurt me! Come on down to Salad-bar Slytherin's today and get some good home cookin'." He is apparently finished reading, and wants to leave. The director has different ideas!

"There, I read it! Can I go now? This stupid costume is starting make me itch, and it's really hot!" He is given a new cue card and the voice tells him to read it."What? No, I want to go home! Oh, fine! The author wants me to say the following: THANK YOU to all who read and reviewed her lovely piece of fiction, and she hopes you enjoyed it. The first chapter of the next story will be posted soon. It is titled **Adventures In Gimli's Beard!** If you thought this story was funny, wait until you read the sequel. It is most amusing, a real hoot. And she wants me to ask you to please review. WHAT??? She says that if you don't review she'll, _-gulp!- _make me eat fruitcake!!! Please review!!! For the love of Torinos, please review!!! She's serious, people!!! There, can I go _now?_ What? What did you just say? And what do you mean by that? You just wait until I get out of this stupid costume, I'll get you! What do you mean you can't wait until I'm out of-? Why you…"

The angry Potions Professor starts hopping off the set after the author/director who is now running for her life! Fortunately for her, he can't keep his balance stuck in the snake suit, and topples over onto his side. We try to control our laughter as he rolls off screen and out of sight, still yelling unpleasant threats! The camera fades away to darkness and we hear an evil cackling, MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

**The End. Or merely, the beginning of another tale!**

**Hope you liked it! Go read some of my other stories to tide you over until I get the next part up!**


End file.
